Finding Joy In The Journey

A “Teen Mom” & Shopping: Caring What People Think

My youngest sister was born when I was in high school. Along with the joy of having a cute baby around the house, I was assigned baby duty quite often. Sometimes I loved it and other times I was a normal teenager who wasn’t thrilled about baby-sitting for free. [My older self thinks, “Smart move, Mom & Dad! Teach your teens responsibility and get free help with childcare!”]

The thing I disliked the most wasn’t a baby hanging on my side or when she cried. It wasn’t even the dirty diapers. It was the whispers. When I went to the store with my baby sister, I got looks. It was clear enough we were related. Onlookers gave away their thoughts with a puzzled stare and the frown that came after. The judgement felt palpable. I wanted to defend myself and explain: “This isn’t my baby! It’s my sister! I’m a good kid!”

I never did.

Now that I’m older, I regret not having some fun with those who incorrectly assumed I was a teen mom. Sadly, I cared far too much about what people who had no importance in my life thought of me. I felt like I needed to defend myself. I did not. I wanted their approval even though it wouldn’t last. There would be someone else who’d walk by and judge me. I’d want their approval too, which would satisfy me until the next person came by and I needed theirs as well. Finding approval in what others think of you is one of the most exhausting pursuits. It will never be enough.

If I could go back in time, I would tell my teenage self to stop stressing about what people think. It’s not worth your time. In the future you’ll have harder battles to fight, ones that hit much closer to home. Start listening to the only voice that matters–God’s–for the approval that you’re designed to crave. Then I’d need to jump back to the present, look in the mirror and tell myself that I still need to stop stressing about what people think. His approval is the only remedy to the incessant need for people’s validation.

At the end of my life, only one voice will matter. Did I do what He wanted or did I do what others wanted? Did I find rest for my weary soul in His acceptance and love or did I run myself ragged pursuing the fickle love and acceptance of others? Life is different than back in high school, but the question still rings true: Whose voice am I listening to?

Social Media & Ugly Thoughts

I was on social media the other day and it happened. Again. I saw someone’s post and I was envious. You know, that “feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, quality or luck” (NOAD). Depending on the post, the thought process might be something like this: Why do they get that opportunity (or that relationship, possession, experience) and not me? Then, I look for judge-y reasons to put them down in my head: Oh, it’s only because they are related to so and so. Oh, they don’t deserve that because of this or that. If people knew how they behaved that one time when….

It’s embarrassing to confess these ugly thoughts and that they come too easily and too often. I am a competitive person, but I hide it most of the time. My competitive spirit comes out when my expectations in life aren’t “winning” and it appears someone else is “beating” me via social media. It’s nonsense when I step back, but it can easily be my knee-jerk thought process.

The truth is my life is not a competition with others. I’m on the path God has for me and I am called to be ME, not anyone else. When that ugly thought of comparison creeps in, I am learning, more slowly than I’d like to admit, to kill the competition with a prayer of joy and celebration. In other words, I am changing my thinking (another way of defining repentance), which then changes my reaction (evidence of repentance). “What a great opportunity! God, help them in this endeavor. Give them the strength and the grace to succeed. Bless them beyond their expectations.”

It takes a bit of warming up to celebrate the blessing you want that someone else receives. It’s downright hard in some cases. Why is it worth doing? Because this world needs Christians who deal with their envy instead of avoiding it. The world needs people willing to cheer others on, “rejoicing with those who rejoice” and praying for the success of others. For all the disadvantages of social media, it is one of the easiest avenues to practice this regularly. It can be a refining fire if we allow it to be.

How do you fight the comparison that social media can breed in your heart? Please share your best tools in the comments section.

When “Waiting Patiently” is An Excuse

This post is for the person who has been waiting patiently. Before we go any further, I know there is balance, but some of us have been waiting patiently, too patiently. We’ve labeled it “waiting” when really we’ve been HIDING. We’ve been hoping life will magically roll out the red carpet for our dreams to come true. We’ve been hoping someone will find us and discover that hidden talent or skill set that we want the world to acknowledge and applaud. The problem is we’ve been so shy about it that not many (or does anyone?) know about this desire or gifting.

Questions to ask yourself:

  • What has God called me to be and to do?
  • I can’t be a crazy person and push my way to the front, but am I developing the skill set for this goal, dream or calling?
  • Am I doing everything I can to be the very best at what I want to be, do, become in the current season I am in?

Sometimes our passivity is laziness. Sometimes it’s fear. Sometimes it’s recusing ourselves from any responsibility for life. Sometimes it’s because of bad theology. Our relationship with God is a partnership. We do our part and He does His. His part is so much bigger than ours, but we have a part to play!

Most dreams are not fulfilled in a splitsecond like we’d like, but we can, each one of us, be working towards the God-size dreams we have in our hearts. Waiting is valuable and necessary. What are you doing as you wait for the right doors to open? Are you strengthening your “talent muscles,” growing in humility and integrity, practicing where possible, and increasing your knowledge and experience?

Burying your talent is the opposite of being faithful. Know what you are good at and accept the constructive feedback you receive. Cultivate the gifts you have even as you wait, but please do not hide and mistakenly call it “waiting.”

Bees, Camels & Monkeys: On Trying New Things

I don’t consider myself a very adventurous person. At times I am more aware of the internal struggle than what my life appears to be from the outside looking in. However, in the last six months I’ve hung out with bees, ridden a camel and fed wild monkeys! The truth is that every time I go somewhere new or try something different, there are little nerves that tag along.  Even when it’s something fun, even when it’s something I want to do, there is apprehension, nervousness, or a bit of fear. I don’t know what to expect and a part of me is a little bit scared.

I know I’m not the only one. New circumstances, opportunities, or challenges are scary for many of us.

Too often it’s easier to avoid these feelings and stick with what we know. We try to live in a safe little world we’ve created for ourselves. My life overseas doesn’t allow for this luxury. More recently, I’ve wondered if my life doesn’t allow for this type of prison. I am forced, sometimes propelled, into new opportunities to learn and grow. This newness factor in my life has become somewhat normal now, but the nerves still show up on the regular. Depending on the scenario, it’s because I don’t want to fail or make a mistake. I don’t want to look stupid. Yet, something about this life of new experiences has revealed a thing or two about these nerves, this fear. They are not as strong as I thought or felt they were. As I face my fear and do the new thing that I often don’t want to do, I find another layer of freedom in my life. God is so patient and gracious to give us such gifts. Today I know it’s best to keep going, in spite of the tension in my shoulders, the butterflies in my stomach, or the anxious thoughts. Keep going. More freedom is around the bend when I jump into a new experience. I recognize when the fear stirs, but I don’t let it lead. Thankfully, the more “new” I try, the faster I jump in. Freedom rings and fear falls each time I try something new.

What new experiences or opportunities are stirring up fear in your heart? Who will you allow to win the battle– freedom or fear?

So You Want to Support an Anti-Trafficking Organization…

I meet a lot of Christians who want to donate to organizations fighting against human-trafficking.

Having been around the block a few times, I want to give you a few good questions to ask an organization before you donate:

  1. Do they receive government funding? If the organization accepts government funding, it may impact their Christ-centered approach. Some of the organizations you know and love may not be as faith-based or Christ-centered as you think. If they do receive government funding, follow up with a question about whether there are restrictions this funding may impose on their Christ-centered approach.
  2. How much money goes to A) Awareness B) Prevention C) Intervention and rehabilitation of victims of human trafficking? Some organizations are focusing on awareness, which is great! It’s valuable work! It’s necessary! However, this type of work many not be the desired focus for your donation. If an organization isn’t willing to share where the money is going, I’d think twice before giving.
  3. What is the percentage of $$ allotted for administrative costs? Administrative costs are necessary. An organization can’t function without great admin and we shouldn’t fuss too much about this percentage. However, it’s good to know what amount is paying for the office to run vs. caring for victims/survivors.

I’m extremely biased*, but Project Rescue is a great organization for Christ-centered ministry to trafficking victims/survivors. Giving to Project Rescue, as well as supporting workers connected to PR who raise their support individually, would be a great choice. Are there other organizations you would recommend?

Cheers to you who give and support organizations doing this important work!

 

*Note: I work in partnership with Project Rescue.

Rest for the Weary Heart

I’m not very good at relaxing. I’ve been prone to worry since I was very small and doing helped me avoid the torture of my harried thoughts. Oh boy do I have stories to tell. For much of my life even relaxing required some form of doing, which usually meant some form of learning. I couldn’t just veg and watch TV. I had to watch the Food Network or something educational that would teach me something. I needed to be productive, even during downtime. My mind was always moving. No wonder my body revolted in different seasons (another story for another blog post), demanding rest and time to recharge.

In the silence and stillness before God, I have found my first true dose of rest and relaxation. Better than a foot massage or a mani/pedi, I have found the rest my body, soul and spirit needs. In the quiet, my heart calms down and I hear God’s voice. I stop talking so much and start listening more. I’m loved and accepted. It isn’t easy because I want to do, do, do to feel valuable. Yet, He is at work when I am not. God is the one in charge. He has been speaking all along. I just didn’t know how to listen well. I’ve had all the longing in my heart to know Him more. I’ve had lots of willingness, determination, perseverance to try to know Him more without the understanding that it is in the resting and “relaxing” in His presence, not in sheer force, that I find Him. It’s taking a moment of silence, not constant activity, that brings me to know Him and His word more.

Are you taking time to quiet yourself before God? Are you resting in His presence? I want to encourage you to be silent before God for just a couple minutes today.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. -Psalm 62:5

Why Stressful Circumstances Can Be a Gift

It occurred to me not too long ago that living in a new culture, learning a new language, adjusting to heaps of change has accelerated growth in me and been a gift beyond what I could’ve anticipated. First, it felt like a curse because it highlighted dysfunctional habits in my life. These habits were ingrained in me long before I stepped onto a plane to live overseas; however, they weren’t as visible to me until the most basic activities became overwhelming and uncomfortable. If you live in your country of birth, celebrate the fact that going to the post office is not stressful, that phone calls to make doctor’s appointments are not overwhelming, and that so many other normal tasks are business as usual for you! That was my reality until I arrived in a country where I couldn’t even express myself. All the pressures of making a new life overseas revealed fears, anxiety, insecurity, and frustration. This new life clearly showed me the dysfunction because the bad habits made life unbearable. Something had to change because I was torturing myself with these negative thoughts and toxic reactions. Once life becomes more uncomfortable than we can tolerate, we are ready to start walking the path to freedom. I’m still walking on this path and it has been one of the greatest gifts I’ve received.

Are you facing something new or unknown in this season? What areas of your life are stressful today? What “ugly” is coming to the surface? Rather than seeing the difficulty as a curse, choose to view it as an opportunity to allow God to heal and restore the broken area(s) of your life. Let Him begin His good work by first admitting there is a problem. That’s the first step.

To All My Single Friends

Very recently, there was a potential love interest: a cute guy who loves Jesus was interested in me. I tried to contain myself, but in some ways the strongest feeling was relief. FINALLY, it’s MY turn. I thought of all the younger women who have had their chance before me. Finally, I get to join the “club” and it felt great. Hope was restored.

Then, whether it is for the best or not, it didn’t work out. “Disappointed” is a mild term for how I felt after my hopes were dashed yet again. I’m not saying all that came to the surface was good, but so many questions came. Anyone else know what I’m talking about?

If I were speaking to anyone but myself in this situation, I would want to remind my friend of a few things. So, to all my single friends (myself included), let’s celebrate a bit of truth today.

In the moments when it’s hard to be single, when life seems so unfair:

  • You are valuable just as you are today.
  • Your singleness is not a punishment.
  • You are beautiful. You are enough.
  • You are not more important when married, despite how it may feel in Christian culture.
  • I don’t know why you are still unmarried, but you–wonderful you–have so much to offer this world.
  • Live your life. Don’t wait to make it great for when/if you have a significant other. Make it great today!

There is much to celebrate in this life. Let’s help each other not to forget it. What encouragement would you add?

Find Your Voice: A Message to People Pleasers from a People Pleaser

Are you a people pleaser? Someone who caters to what others want? Do you obsess over whether people like you or not? No? Oh yeah…me neither.

To all the people pleasers like me, we have an important message to hear and LIVE out—your voice and your opinion matter. If you want to make a difference in this world, you must use your voice! In order to use it, you must find it first! 

What do I want to say? What do others need to hear? What should I say and not say? These are questions we must ask ourselves when we do the hard work of changing our people pleasing ways. 

Simply regurgitating what you think others want to hear or repeating what you’ve been taught without accepting it yourself is not the role of a mature adult. However, finding out, for certain, what you believe is.

It takes times for people pleasing types to stop acting like a chameleon. It takes silence, solitude and God’s help. What’s really going on inside your heart? What are you really thinking and feeling? Each of us have a God-given voice to be used for good. To be used for making a difference, not simply pacifying those around us. 

1. Figure out what you believe, what you really believe.

Not what everyone else says. Not what your parents’ say. Figure out what YOU believe and WHO you believe in. This “who” should become your compass in place of making everyone happy. As I strengthen my faith in Jesus, I find my confidence and my voice.

2. Accept the most difficult truth for people pleasers.

Despite your best efforts, you can’t make everyone happy all of the time. You are not a genie. You are not sugar or chocolate. You are a human and you must decide to quit making everyone around you the gods you serve and appease. [Ouch. That hurts, I know.]

3. Learn to express your opinion.

This one can be challenging at first. Start small. When you are going out to eat with friends or family, don’t just say, “Whatever you want to eat is fine with me.” Figure out what you want and contribute your opinion to the group. Your voice matters! Even if that isn’t where you end up going, learn to accept that things won’t always go your way. Being a chameleon is no life. It is an exhausting fake existence that ends up leading to emptiness. 

4. Remember — It’s Ok

It’s ok to have a differing opinion. It’s ok for others to not be happy. It’s ok to share your thoughts. Time and place rules apply, but learn, with the Holy Spirit’s help, to express yourself. Start with safe people. See how facing this fear and embracing the YOU God designed you to be will bring levels of freedom you never thought possible. 

Cheers to all my people pleasing friends online, may each of us find our voice and the freedom it brings! 

Welcome to my blog!

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Hi, my name is Joy.

I’ve decided to start a blog (again). I love to write down what I’m learning and thinking about. I’m here to share it with whoever wants to read it. The internet can be a toxic place, but it can also be a wonderful place for community and friendship. Of course, this type of internet community could never replace face to face contact, but it can be a way to make new friends and enhance our lives. So, I’m here online to make new friends, share what I’m discovering and learn from people like you who are reading this blog!

Welcome to my journey of finding joy in the many ways that can be interpreted when your name is Joy!